


I Exist I Exist I Exist

by winehabit



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Dysfunctional Family, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Panic Attacks, Post-Death in the Family, Reader-Insert, this turned into a pretty personal piece whoops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-25
Updated: 2016-01-25
Packaged: 2018-05-16 06:25:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5817556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winehabit/pseuds/winehabit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things are crumbling on the anniversary of your mother's death and Spencer is there to pick up the pieces.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Exist I Exist I Exist

You couldn’t remember the last time he’d been this bad. It had been four years to the day since your mother had died and your father had never properly grieved. You knew this. His usual coping mechanism came in a twenty-four pack and he hadn’t touched it since that day. Every year got harder and you made a point to take off work so you could spend the anniversary with him every year. You should have known by the bottles strewn around his armchair that this wouldn’t end well. The words that left his mouth and the feeling of his fist connecting were things you’d never forget.  
  
You returned home in a numb haze. The ride back to the apartment you shared with your boyfriend Spencer was a blur. It was like you were running on autopilot. Pulling your knees up to your chest, you were on the floor of the kitchen when the levee finally broke. Sobs ripped from your chest, the heaving breaths irritating the various aches on your body. You weren’t sure how long you stayed like that, forehead resting on your knees when you heard the front door to the apartment open and shut a few moments later.  
  
“Y/N?” The smooth voice of your favorite genius sounded far away. He’d been on a case for the past three days and you weren’t expecting him home for a bit longer. You didn’t want him to see you like this. “Y/N?” His voice was much closer now and filled with worry. You had to will yourself not to jump when his fingers brushed your arm. “Talk to me, little bird.” Finally lifting your head at the sound of the nickname, you watched as his mouth dropped open at the sight of the bruises blossoming along your cheekbone.  
  
“I-I went to check on my f-father for the anniversary and h-he-“ You couldn’t breathe through the choking sobs and you could see the gears in Spencer’s head turning trying to find a way to help you. “H-he’d been drinking. He blamed me for her h-heart attack. Said her worrying ab-bout me on the job k-killed her. He wouldn’t stop h-hitting me.” In the next moment, he was gently pulling you into his chest. You clung to the fabric of his sweater like a lifeline as you shook. “I killed my mother Spencer.”  
  
“That’s so far from the truth little bird.” He said in between pressing kisses to the top of your head. “Your mother had a pre-existing genetic heart condition that she didn’t know about. Nothing you did could have caused or prevented it.” He wasn’t saying anything you hadn’t told yourself hundreds of times over the past four years but the slur of your father's voice kept echoing. You still felt as though you were breathing through a straw and you watched Spencer look you over once more before going into work mode, immediately taking your hand in his.  
  
“Y/N I need you to do me a favor, sweetheart you’re going to black out if you don’t get your breathing in check.” This wasn’t your first time at the panic attack rodeo and you knew he was right. He went through your coping routine placing your hand on his chest so you were able to feel his heartbeat. “You’re okay Y/N, match yours with mine.”  
  
“I can’t, Spe-Spencer I c-can’t.” Your heart felt like it was going to break through your ribs and it made the soft even beat of Spencer’s heart under your shaky hand feel unattainable.  
  
“You can little bird. Try to breathe with me.” Spencer was so good with you, you had to remember to tell him how much you loved him when you weren’t convinced you were dying. You tried your best to struggle through the breathing exercises until finally, you were able to pull in a deep breath.  
  
“Thank you.” The weak rasp in your voice didn’t go unnoticed as you rested your head on his shoulder. His hands came up to rub soft circles into your back and his cheek rested against the top of your head.  
  
“Let’s get you comfortable.” He easily scooped you up and carried you sniffling to your room. Setting you down, he swept his thumbs across your cheekbones and pressed a kiss to your forehead before turning to pick sweatpants and one of his t-shirts from your drawers. You felt like a rag doll as he lightly pulled your shirt over your head and you heard his breath come out in a hiss.  
  
“He’s not getting away with this, Y/N. I’m gonna go-“ Your hand shot out to catch his arm before he had the chance to turn and head towards the door. The movement causing the ache in your stomach to flare up.  
  
“No! Please, just . . . stay with me.” You pleaded and the hard set of his jaw let on that he was weighing out how many years in jail he’d get if he were to go out and do what he wanted to do to your father. “I’ll deal with it.”  
  
“Y/N you’re a federal agent! Look at what he fucking did to you!” You could count on one hand the number of times Spencer had sworn over the two-year span of your relationship and the sound made you jump. Immediately the anger faded from his features and he apologized in a whisper. For the first time, you looked down at the damage done. Your stomach and ribs were a mess of yellows, pinks, and blues.  
  
”I-I know what he did to me, Spencer. Please just . . . just lay with me for a little while. We’ll sort this out later.” He stood stock still, trying to decide whether or not to keep fighting the issue. “I promise.”  
  
He disappeared momentarily into the bathroom connected to your bedroom and returned with a glass of water and a painkiller which you gratefully accepted. Once the pills went down he climbed into bed beside you and you huddled into the warmth of his chest. When he draped his arms around you the touch was feather light. His fingers mindlessly played with your hair, something he knew soothed you. You drifted into a calm silence but your mind couldn’t rest.  
  
“Maybe we’ll get lucky.” It was just a mumble but you looked up to see Spencer’s eyebrows furrow together in confusion. “That’s what he said to me before I left. I asked him how he’d feel if I were to get into an accident on the way home and he said ‘maybe you will, maybe we’ll get lucky’.” Spencer’s face fell and his face was a mixture of pain and rage.  
  
“I’m so sorry, Y/N. I’m sorry you can’t choose who your parents are. I wish I knew what to say to make this better.” The genuine sympathy in his voice was almost enough to bring you to tears again. “I do know that I love you and I can’t express in words how much I appreciate having you with me. Know that you’re safe and he can’t hurt you anymore.” His words were enough to finally calm your racing thoughts and with a nod, you drifted into a comfortable sleep.


End file.
